\\ feed me seymour \\

me at 16.5, just on the verge of it.
wanna know what IT is?
keep on reading

after a lot of encouragement from you guys

(and mainly, you girls)

i'm feeling comfortable enough to start writing

about things that i haven't written about before

not here, anyway.

this post is quite heavy. pun intended.

__________

at the age of 16 i had my first boyfriend

when he broke up with me, it triggered it

i never *ever* thought, before that, that i will ever deal with eating disorders

i used to love eating to much to be anorexic

and could not bear to make myself throw up - so no bulimia for me.

well, it turns out i was only a third right.

for about 6 month after that, i realized i could eat only 300-400 calories a day

and not be too hungry at all

so i obviously lost some weight and felt elated

(even though my weight was perfectly fine before that. i was athletic and lean)

because i felt in control over...something in my life.

one bright day, i started binging

it came out of the blue

half of the food we had at home disappeared

into my stomach

and within 3 month i put on 25 or so kilograms

(which meant i put on about 40% of my previous body weight.

it put quite a strain on my body, as could be expected)

and it went on and on for months and years.

i would starve myself for half a day

(thinking that *this time* i could manage to starve myself back into my pre-disorder weight)

but once i "broke" even a little bit 

(a bite of something that wasn't on my 500 calories a day very "sane" meal program)

all hell broke loose

and i could not stop eating

until i cried myself to sleep at night.

every night.

 i said before, that i was only a third right;

indeed, i couldn't bring myself to throw up

but i indeed dealt with anorexia

and i didn't even know that compulsive overeating was even a thing

it didn't help that i had a new boyfriend

who used to tell me that if i'm gaining weight

it's because i lack will power

and i'm just a weak person

(well, at least we know my taste in men has improved dramatically since then :) )

it didn't help that my best friend was (and still is) skinny

and could eat mounts of everything i wanted to eat

without it having any effect on her weight

(babe, love you!)

and i couldn't help but wonder why me??

skinny eden, not so skinny me, 3 years ago

it certainly didn't help that at the time

my mom had a dramatic weight loss because of some anti-migraine pills she took

and she started giving me clothes that were too big on her

or that i couldn't find any pants that would suit me in "normal" shops.

my boobs got out of control (i think a G cup would be about right)

and my stomach was on the verge of tearing

and i felt like an elephant in a china shop

and i knew that if it continued, i could end up

having to go an emergency surgery

because my stomach would literally buckle under the pressure

so i did the only thing i could;

i dealt with it through art

this was my final project in high school

in the visual arts department

it was the first (and only) time i "purged" myself, so to speak

one thing is for sure - i was always very aware

and was never shy

about my eating disorder or my weight issues

when i was 20 (after having broken up with said boyfriend, thank you!)

i worked at a fashion boutique chain in tel aviv

i was the biggest girl there, at a whopping size 42\14

i was the example of "a big girl can wear this dress, see?"

when i girl over a size 0 came into the store.

it didn't help much.

what did help was a lot of therapy

and also, quite surprisingly - my fat cat, lola

she is so luscious and shmexy

(yes, shmexy!)

and i realized i love grabbing her big jelly belly

and she is so amazing just as she is 

my then-good-friend-and-now-sister-in-law also helped, 

even though she didn't know it.

when we met almost 3 years ago

we had very similar bodies.

at the time i was very unhappy with mine

but i loved hers

she is so feminine and confident and down right hot

and one day

at a girls' night she hosted

i just realized (shockingly) that, hey, we don't look so different

and if she's hot, then...wait...so am i!

about a year after that shocking realization, jesse proposed

and i decided an upcoming wedding is a good enough reason

to start actively dealing with my weight (which was still 20-ish kg more than my starting weight)

so i started going to weight watchers

and i managed to lose about 8 kilograms

and keep them off (!)

can't help but first notice the double chin, and only then the happy faces

 things are looking better now.

i'm usually eating like a normal person

and i don't have that many binges anymore

but i have to admit

that knowing (or, realizing)

that this disorder is never going to really be a thing of the past

and that i will always think and perceive food differently than other, normal people

(i don't even remember what it's like to think of food like a normal person anymore)

and that this will be a constant struggle for me

is hard.

in fact

it was a devastating realization that i had in therapy, about a year ago

mainly - because on top of dealing with it and struggling, myself

i am terrified that my future kids will be affected by this

so i'm trying to take it day by day

and i'll deal with the kids thing when the time comes

and in the meanwhile

i'm dealing with my body issues with art (as you've seen here and as you'll see in future posts)

 and i'm thankful for the constant support 

my amazing husband and family and friends provide me

i also want to thank sharona for inspiring me to write this post

and you guys

for reading it

(i know it was way longer than my regular posts)

have a great tuesday

xo