|me at 16.5, just on the verge of it.|
wanna know what IT is?
keep on reading
after a lot of encouragement from you guys
(and mainly, you girls)
i'm feeling comfortable enough to start writing
about things that i haven't written about before
not here, anyway.
this post is quite heavy. pun intended.
at the age of 16 i had my first boyfriend
when he broke up with me, it triggered it
i never *ever* thought, before that, that i will ever deal with eating disorders
i used to love eating to much to be anorexic
and could not bear to make myself throw up - so no bulimia for me.
well, it turns out i was only a third right.
for about 6 month after that, i realized i could eat only 300-400 calories a day
and not be too hungry at all
so i obviously lost some weight and felt elated
(even though my weight was perfectly fine before that. i was athletic and lean)
because i felt in control over...something in my life.
one bright day, i started binging
it came out of the blue
half of the food we had at home disappeared
into my stomach
and within 3 month i put on 25 or so kilograms
(which meant i put on about 40% of my previous body weight.
it put quite a strain on my body, as could be expected)
and it went on and on for months and years.
i would starve myself for half a day
(thinking that *this time* i could manage to starve myself back into my pre-disorder weight)
but once i "broke" even a little bit
(a bite of something that wasn't on my 500 calories a day very "sane" meal program)
all hell broke loose
and i could not stop eating
until i cried myself to sleep at night.
i said before, that i was only a third right;
indeed, i couldn't bring myself to throw up
but i indeed dealt with anorexia
and i didn't even know that compulsive overeating was even a thing
it didn't help that i had a new boyfriend
who used to tell me that if i'm gaining weight
it's because i lack will power
and i'm just a weak person
(well, at least we know my taste in men has improved dramatically since then :) )
it didn't help that my best friend was (and still is) skinny
and could eat mounts of everything i wanted to eat
without it having any effect on her weight
(babe, love you!)
and i couldn't help but wonder why me??
|skinny eden, not so skinny me, 3 years ago|
it certainly didn't help that at the time
my mom had a dramatic weight loss because of some anti-migraine pills she took
and she started giving me clothes that were too big on her
or that i couldn't find any pants that would suit me in "normal" shops.
my boobs got out of control (i think a G cup would be about right)
and my stomach was on the verge of tearing
and i felt like an elephant in a china shop
and i knew that if it continued, i could end up
having to go an emergency surgery
because my stomach would literally buckle under the pressure
so i did the only thing i could;
i dealt with it through art
this was my final project in high school
in the visual arts department
it was the first (and only) time i "purged" myself, so to speak
one thing is for sure - i was always very aware
and was never shy
about my eating disorder or my weight issues
when i was 20 (after having broken up with said boyfriend, thank you!)
i worked at a fashion boutique chain in tel aviv
i was the biggest girl there, at a whopping size 42\14
i was the example of "a big girl can wear this dress, see?"
when i girl over a size 0 came into the store.
it didn't help much.
what did help was a lot of therapy
and also, quite surprisingly - my fat cat, lola
she is so luscious and shmexy
and i realized i love grabbing her big jelly belly
and she is so amazing just as she is
my then-good-friend-and-now-sister-in-law also helped,
even though she didn't know it.
when we met almost 3 years ago
we had very similar bodies.
at the time i was very unhappy with mine
but i loved hers
she is so feminine and confident and down right hot
and one day
at a girls' night she hosted
i just realized (shockingly) that, hey, we don't look so different
and if she's hot, then...wait...so am i!
about a year after that shocking realization, jesse proposed
and i decided an upcoming wedding is a good enough reason
to start actively dealing with my weight (which was still 20-ish kg more than my starting weight)
so i started going to weight watchers
and i managed to lose about 8 kilograms
and keep them off (!)
|can't help but first notice the double chin, and only then the happy faces|
things are looking better now.
i'm usually eating like a normal person
and i don't have that many binges anymore
but i have to admit
that knowing (or, realizing)
that this disorder is never going to really be a thing of the past
and that i will always think and perceive food differently than other, normal people
(i don't even remember what it's like to think of food like a normal person anymore)
and that this will be a constant struggle for me
it was a devastating realization that i had in therapy, about a year ago
mainly - because on top of dealing with it and struggling, myself
i am terrified that my future kids will be affected by this
so i'm trying to take it day by day
and i'll deal with the kids thing when the time comes
and in the meanwhile
i'm dealing with my body issues with art (as you've seen here and as you'll see in future posts)
and i'm thankful for the constant support
my amazing husband and family and friends provide me
i also want to thank sharona for inspiring me to write this post
and you guys
for reading it
(i know it was way longer than my regular posts)
have a great tuesday